I moved to Carrboro, North Carolina, last weekend (August 3rd), and it was easily the most difficult move of my life. For the past 9—almost 10—years, I’d settled myself in Fredericksburg, Virginia, and built a life for myself there. Part of those 9 years was my 4-year undergraduate career, but I stayed in Fredericksburg afterwards, working at UMW (my alma mater) and various units at the Smithsonian in DC. I never, ever, imagined myself leaving Fredericksburg, let alone Virginia.
However, the time came for me to take a big step: my full-time job at UMW was ending, and I really needed an MLS degree to secure the kind of full-time, salaried, long-term career that I truly wanted. (I long to work in archives and special collections in a museum, archive, or other cultural heritage institution, and to do that, I need a graduate degree.) Deciding to leave Fredericksburg was one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I spent many days this spring sobbing at the thought of leaving the immensely supportive personal and professional network I had built, and I couldn’t imagine moving to another state without my network of friends and family.
Despite everything holding me back, UNC’s MSLS program really spoke to me, so I took a leap of faith and committed. My UNC classes start in one week, and my internship in Duke University Libraries’ archives and special collections begins tomorrow. I’m immensely grateful for these new opportunities to grow and develop professionally, but as I alluded to earlier, it hasn’t been easy. I spent the first few days here harboring the horrific feeling that I’d made a terrible mistake—that I shouldn’t have come to North Carolina, I shouldn’t ever have left Fredericksburg (let alone Virginia), and I certainly shouldn’t have left UMW or my friends and family. I spent hours on the phone sobbing to my friends as I replayed these fears over and over again, but I found no relief. In addition to “normal” anxiety, I became crippled by my imposter syndrome/inferiority complex: How on earth did I get into this MSLS program? How was I going to succeed in graduate school after being out of a classroom for so long? How on earth was I qualified for my internship with Duke University Libraries? How long would I last at Duke and in my program before everyone realized that I didn’t truly belong?
As more days have passed by, my anxiety and utter paralysis have slowly begun to subside. I’ve eaten 3 square meals for two days in a row now (trust me, this is a huge feat). I begin my internship at Duke tomorrow, and I’m becoming excited about it again. (I was excited when I first applied for, interviewed for, and accepted the position, but since then my anxiety has convinced me that I am not qualified for it.) I’m looking forward to meeting with my supervisors and starting to work on the project, especially because I know diving in head-first will help assuage my fears and re-establish my confidence. And I’m hoping that this confidence will carry forward into my first week of classes at UNC (and continue on from there).
Despite being utterly terrified of where I am in life right now, I am also incredibly grateful that I’ve been able to make it through the past week and out to the other side. I’m slowly getting used to Carrboro/Chapel Hill and my new living situation. As I become more confident in my physical location, I find that my mental location is improving as well—and for that, I am truly proud of myself. I’m so proud that as I go into my first day at Duke tomorrow, I don’t truly believe I’m an imposter anymore. Yes, I still have doubts here and there, but I also know that I have a wealth of experience and gave a knock-out interview. I must belong somewhere, right? And it might as well be between my classes at UNC and my internship at Duke. Either way, I’m extraordinarily proud of myself for coming this far and for overcoming so many fears and mental paralyses.